PerryDox – BeJustAChristian

Have you ever been misunderstood?  Welcome to the human race! In fact, I would venture to say that men and women speak different languages, and then you throw in teenagers, and its language from another world. Let’s look at some examples.

What does a man mean when he says, “Honey, you look fine.” He means, “It’s time to go.”

What does a woman hear when a man says, “Honey, you look fine.” She hears, “It’s time to go…change clothes again.”

Now, allow me to make one exception here. The meaning changes for both men and women based upon the tone used. “You look fine” said with an alluring tone is acceptable by both, accompanied by a wink, and then the woman smiles and giggles.

What does a teenager mean when they…text? Never, mind, I have no idea what teenagers mean when they text. But for the sake of trying to help us all out, I looked up an example. What does a teenager mean when they text, “u l%k fyn.” The answer is, “You look fine.” And if you parents are interested, you can go to a website, www.lingo2word.com and get translations.

What does a parent mean when they say, “take out the trash.” Sorry, kids, they mean, “take out the trash…now.”

Miscommunication happens as much if not more than communication. In fact, one of Hollywood’s most famous lines comes from Cool Hand Luke: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” It seems that we humans have perfected the art of misunderstanding more so than understanding.  Blurting out, “That’s not what I meant” is common, aggravating and frustrating.  Or, “What do you mean by that?” And it seems that the most every quote taken from a politician, athlete, or celebrity is nowadays, “Taken out of context.”

When families get dysfunction, some members seem to want to either misunderstand or be misunderstood.  I am not talking about wanting people to misunderstand to have fun or to make a more poignant point. Jesus used the art of misdirection to teach (John 2:19-22).  I know that I personally am a greatly misunderstood person, being maliciously maligned for the way that I innocently misunderstand what people say!  I would give details, but that would just fuel the fires of misunderstanding!

Seriously though, it just seems some enjoy the fight or feelings of isolation that come from being misunderstood. They have a chip on their shoulder from unresolved issues, and are looking for ammunition.

What can we do? There are many ways to teach communication, from simple to complex. We could delve into the nuances of language, and dive into a full study of hermeneutics. What we are going to do is learn from God how to communicate.  And believe it or not, that means what we are not going to do is get complicated.  But ultimately this is a lesson in human nature.  As God has communicated to us, we should communicate with one another.

Before we can communicate well, we need to know what communication is; to understand our goal in communicating; and finally to know how to attain our goal.

So, have I communicated well so far?

Maybe…maybe not, that is why you need to keep reading and I need to keep explaining. This foray into dialogue will not be technical. In fact, it is just plain simple – Biblically simple. But have you ever noticed how the simple can also be enlightening – especially when coming from God? That’s what I hope this will be.  I hope to communicate to you what God has communicated through The Word and His word about communicating.

Rule #1 –Pray for the Ability to Communicate Well

Colossians 4:2-4 NASB  Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving;  (3)  praying at the same time for us as well, that God will open up to us a door for the word, so that we may speak forth the mystery of Christ, for which I have also been imprisoned;  (4)  that I may make it clear in the way I ought to speak.

Ephesians 6:18-20 NASB  With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,  (19)  and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel,  (20)  for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in proclaiming it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

Praying for how we ought to speak is not restricted to the apostles’ praying for inspiration. Praying for boldness and wisdom, praying for the right words, is simply praying for God to help us in everyday life. Couldn’t this also apply to helping families learn to understand and communicate? If parents, kids, and spouses are not praying to better understand, then failure is more likely.

Some claim to not speak to their friends and neighbors about Christ out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Instead of keeping our mouths shut, we should pray for help!  We need to pray about how to respond to our children, and spouses too. I know that when people talk to me about very difficult situations, whether spiritually or concerning relationships, that I often pray as I am listening. And may I humbly say that often I am very impressed with how I answer them! But don’t misunderstand, I am not impressed with my wisdom but with the wisdom that comes from God.

James 1:5 HCSB  Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.

So pray about how to talk to your kids, and your spouses. And kids, especially teenagers who are Christians, you should be praying too.

Rule #2 –Know the Importance of Good Communication

Jesus is called “The Word.” Calling Jesus The Word confirms how important communication is. In fact, it implies that God wants to communicate with us! So let’s learn from the One who invented communication.

The failure to communicate has caused wars, strained relationships, broken marriages, alienate children, split churches, and damned souls. The implication is that correct understanding can save souls, keep congregations whole, heal or protect marriages, build closer relationships between parents and children, and even bring peace to nations.

To take just one of those examples, a survey of 100 divorce lawyers were asked, the question, “What is the major cause of divorce in American marriages?”  All 100 lawyers agreed that it was a breakdown in martial communication (The Best of In Other Words, p.53).

Now remember, the failure to communicate can come from communicating badly and effectively, or the failure to even try.

On the importance of communication, please recognize the wisdom of this ancient philosopher:

“A Chinese Sage of the distant past was once asked by his disciples what he would do first if he were given power to set right the affairs of the country. He answered: ‘I should certainly see to it that language is used correctly.’ The disciples looked perplexed. ‘Surely,’ they said, ‘this is a trivial matter. Why should you deem it to be important?’ And the master replied, ‘If language is not used correctly, then what is said is not what is meant: if what is said is not what is meant, then what ought to be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals and art will be corrupted; if morals and art are corrupted, justice will go astray; if justice goes astray, then people will stand about in helpless confusion.'” (Logic and Rational Thought, Frank R. Harrison III, p. vi.)

Good communication, using words properly, means understanding how words should be used, not misusing them, and also learning how words are used by different people.

For example, “What’s Gucci?  Oh snap, I am so fly I am off the heezy!” Yes you read that right. All the words are familiar, except “heezy,” but none mean what you think.

I did not ask about a clothing brand.  Nor did I say anything about making a snapping noise with my fingers or flying insects.  And to me, being “heezy” just sounds like someone is having an asthma attack – “Doctor, I can’t breathe, I am so wheezy and heezy!”

What you read is slang.  I asked, “What’s up?” The answer was, “Oh wow, I am cool and hip.” Of course if you are younger than I am, you might not know that to be “hip” has nothing to do with being hippy around the belt and much to do with being a hippie (i.e., the sixties).

Language is funny.  Based upon what age you are, what’s “going down” is “what’s up.”  If something is “bad,” then it’s “good.”  Some thing can be so “hot” that it is “cool.”

Language is a sign of a sub-culture.  The culture might be age related, race based, economically founded, or work related.  It is used often to initiate, separate, or educate.  I personally think our “young-uns” get a thrill when we old folks can’t understand a word they are saying.  The whole texting generation has created their own language.  AAMOF, when it comes to txt I am 404.

Language an identifier.  When words change meaning and become part of a subculture, the language becomes what you want it to be.  When words take on an opposite meaning, they identify the user in opposition to the original use.  “No one uses that word anymore.”  “He’s not one of us.”

Ensuring that language is used properly must have a caveat. The English language, whether for good or bad, is an involving language. Every year the dictionary adds new words. Parents hear words that in our day were unacceptable. Today among teenagers they are common place. I could give examples, but it might be deemed inappropriate. I suggest that parents do not automatically assume their children are using bad language when they hear certain words. My suggestion to the kids is, don’t repeat everything you hear. If you don’t know what a word means, don’t use it. You might be communicating something other than what you mean.

To underscore how important it is to understand the importance of good communication, I would like to look at some simple words. The NASB often translates from the Hebrew and Greek into the English by using the word “behold.” In fact, that word is found 1218 times! There is nothing miraculous in the Hebrew or Greek meaning, both basically mean “see.” The real point is “pay attention.”  So when you see “behold” “pay attention.” The word shows the important of good communication. You cannot communicate well if the other person is not paying attention.

Other words showing the importance of good communication are: “listen” (284x); “hear” (397x); and “understand” (114x).

1 Corinthians 14:18-19 HCSB  (18)  I thank God that I speak in other languages more than all of you;  (19)  yet in the church I would rather speak five words with my understanding, in order to teach others also, than 10,000 words in another language.

I may live to regret this, but a short five word sermon if understood is far more pleasing to God than a 10,000 word sermon that soars not only in rhetoric, but soars over people’s heads. And when I preached that point, my home congregation shouted, “AMEN!”

Family members, the application is this – Just because the person you are talking to is looking at you, does not mean they are paying attention.

Rule #3 –Know What Communication Is

Remember – I told you this would be simple! How can we communicate if we don’t even know what we are trying to do? That would be like a man who, when the engine of his car makes a strange noise, looks under the hood although most likely he has no idea what he is looking for. Why does he do that?  Because he’s a man, and that’s what men do. I know…you would never be guilty of that! And yet we have all been guilty.

So, before going on any further…What do you think communication is?

Communication is, in essence, transferring thought from one mind to another. It is that simple, although it is not always simple to accomplish. It is the exchange of an idea.  It is a mental journey from point A (one mind) to point B (another mind). Our English word “communication” comes from a Latin word which literally means “to make common.” That’s the idea, to make common, or share, what is in one mind to another mind; that the one idea is shared by more than one.

In order to “make common,” one must transfer that idea first. When thinking of transfer, think of movement. To “commute” is the same concept as to communicate, although the etymologies of the words are not related. Again using the analogy of a trip, as we all know, and have experienced, there are often bumps in the road, detours, wrong turns, wrong directions, in getting from point A to point B. And sometimes we just plain get lost, except for us men. We just get “temporarily disoriented.” At least that’s what my father said, and I respect my father, so much I use his same excuse, er, explanation.

All of those trip mishaps represent misunderstanding, the failure to transfer an idea from one mind to another. When driving, sometimes it is the fault of the “Directions Giver.” Sometimes it is the fault of the “Directions Receiver.” Some people are “directionally challenged” and I sometimes think that should be treated by the government as a real disability with benefits.

The same is true in communication. Success only exists when we arrive at the desired location, whether geographical or mental. Seldom do we accidentally get anywhere. The same is true when we are communicating ideas.

Are you with me?  Has everybody arrived at the same mental destination as me?

So when we communicate, what are we trying to do? Our goal is to transfer thought from one mind to another.

And that is what the Bible describes as communication. Paul wrote, We have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16). Do you see the point? What was in Christ’s mind was in Paul’s mind. How did this happen?

Before concluding we have the mind of Christ, Paul wrote, For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man, which is in him?  Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God.  Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God, which things we also speak, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words. (1 Corinthians 2:11-13)? (NASB)  The Holy Spirit conveyed the thoughts from God’s mind to the apostles’ minds. Thoughts into words, from one mind to another mind. That is communication.

The implication is all of this is that if God has communicated to us, and He has, and if God has the ability to communicate, and He does, then it is our responsibility to understand what God has said.

The application for the family is acknowledging that communication can only be successful if all parties somehow learn to “speak the same language.” This takes give and take by all.

Rule #4 –Our Primary Goal Is To Be Understood, Not Necessarily To Be Convincing

That does not sound right does it? Shouldn’t we want to convince people? Isn’t that why we are communicating to them? Yes, but let me ask you a few questions:

• Can someone agree with us without understanding us? They can, but there is still failure because they will not be able to explain why they agree.
• Can someone agree with us and both of us are wrong? Yes again, and this is a failure too.
• Doesn’t understanding lead to correction even if the speaker is the one who is wrong? In communicating within a family, all members need to remember that it is possible that they are wrong. And for those who have trouble saying that word, try this on as a substitute – “I am not as right as I could be.”

Sometimes when people disagree with us, we think there has been a failure of communication. Nope – sometimes they understood perfectly well and either didn’t like what we said so they dismissed it; or else we communicated so efficiently that they understood us to be wrong – or so they think!

Being understood is not the same as being in agreement. How many times have we husbands gotten into trouble because our wives perfectly understood what we said!  A comedian once correctly observed that if you are married, you have a communication problem. And if you think that you don’t, it is worse than you realize!

The primary goal of communication is to be understood. Before we can even hope to reach agreement, we must first reach a common understanding. Of course, most times the purpose of being understood is to then build upon that shared understanding in order to build an agreement. But being understood must come first. We don’t want people agreeing with us based upon a misunderstanding or miscommunication. We also don’t want people agreeing with us if we are wrong. Being understood can lead to us correcting our own misunderstandings.

Warning – if our goal is to “win the argument” (which happens in family arguments) is that same as being understood? Is our goal is to simply look good?  Is our goal to just make the other look bad? If those are our goals, then our goal is not communication.  It is self-aggrandization. And yes, these things can happen in a family. Sometimes we just want the other to be defeated.

If we know what communication is; and we know that our goal is to be understood; how do we proceed? That leads to the rest of the rules. As we go through these rules, we will emphasize both the one who is communicating and the one being communicated to. Communication cannot take place unless both are willing. In fact, it is impossible. It would be like driving over a gorge, and the bridge only goes part way.

1 Corinthians 14:11 HCSB  (11)  Therefore, if I do not know the meaning of the language, I will be a foreigner to the speaker, and the speaker will be a foreigner to me.

1 Corinthians 14:23 HCSB  (23)  Therefore if the whole church assembles together, and all are speaking in other languages, and people who are uninformed or unbelievers come in, will they not say that you are out of your minds?

The application to family members is very simple. No one should want to simply be obeyed, or get our way, or win an argument. We want to be understood so that growth, understanding of one another, maturity, and truth can all be shared.

Rule #5 –Communication With Others Requires Communicating With Yourself

Hold it…didn’t I already say that one of the first rules of communication is understanding that communication is transferring thought and ideas from one mind to another? If so, then what do I mean by saying good communication requires communicating with yourself?

Stay with me.

Before you speak to others, talk to yourself. Preachers sometimes unknowing do this while preaching. I know that a lot of wives do that when sports are on TV.  While you don’t want to talk to yourself around a Psychiatrist, we have all had practice while talking on a cell phone and not noticing the call had been dropped.

We cannot be a good communicator unless talk to ourselves. And get this – not only must we talk to ourselves…we must understand ourselves and even answer ourselves too! In fact, have a full-fledged conversation with yourself. You just might not want to have it out loud in a crowd!

When you talk to yourself, plan what you want to say, when you want to say it, where, how, why, and to whom.

Fisher and Ury said that successful communication means that we “speak for a purpose.” Too much communication can be counterproductive, they warn. I’m sure most teenagers would agree. Before you make a significant statement, pause and consider what you want to communicate, why you want to communicate that, and how you can do it in the clearest possible way. Talk to yourself. Rehearse what you want to say.

Before the proverbial Prodigal Son returned home, he not only “came to himself” (Lk.15:17, literal translation), he also spoke to himself – “I will get up and go to my father, and will say to him…. (Lk.15:18). When he arrived home, he said exactly what he planned on saying. Some – I won’t mention my name – have had to learn the hard way: “Engage brain before putting mouth in gear!”

Maybe a good analogy would be a musical analogy. When we first see new music, we “sight read” it. How does that compare to after we have practiced, practiced, and practiced?

Correlated to this – and this is very important – should I communicate? James advises, be quick to hear, slow to speak (James 1:19). Can you think of reasons why one should not communicate? I’ll be silent while you think….

So, before you communicate with your husband or wife, children or parents, talk to and with yourself.

Rule #6 –Communication Requires Understanding Your Family (The Hearers)

“Matthew, 3 year old son of Stuart Cooke, was eating an apple in the back seat of the car when he asked, ‘Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?’  Matthew’s daddy explained, ‘Because after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air which caused it to oxidize thus changing it molecular structure and turning it into a different color.’  There was a long silence.  Matthew then quietly asked, ‘Daddy, are you talking to me?’” (The Best of In Other Words, p.53)

Good communication emphasizes using words that the reader/hearer will both understand and not misunderstand. This takes thought, not just on how I use words, but on how others use the same words. This takes knowing your audience. This takes knowing your family. Remember in the beginning the example of, “you look fine”?

Let’s begin by saying, men and women are different. This includes husbands and wives obviously, but also our children. Boys are different from girls.

To us, this is nothing innovative, nor surprising, shocking or controversial.  Emotionally, mentally, physically, and biologically the sexes are different.  Ironically, our commonality is our dissimilarity. Neither sex is inferior or superior to the other…just oddly opposite. Poles apart like the North Pole and the South Pole. The poles are environmentally the same, and yet for some reason burley polar bears lives up north (men?), and cute little penguins thrive in the south (women?). Why? That’s God’s plan. Ladies, apparently God protected the little penguins from the hungry polar bears, but that same God designed us to not only live together, but to need each other. Can you imagine a bird marrying a bear?  And some say God doesn’t have a sense of humor. Of course, a bird that can’t fly but swims is as confusing as women are to men!

Yes, the sexes are hilariously different, all according to God’s plan. These distinctions can be essential or beyond comprehension – especially concerning our own spouses. Some differences bring aggravation. Some bring smiles.  Some bring smiles only after the aggravation! And a lot of this happens because of miscommunication.

Why is it that men, for example, refuse to stop and ask directions? Ladies, before elbowing your husband’s side, why does it appear women are biologically driven to give directions to their men who are not asking? Sigh…. Some communication is not wanted even when warranted.

So, why do men not like asking for directions?  It’s our need for respect, which is God-created. In asking for directions, we are admitting need.

So, why do women love giving directions? It’s their need for security, which again is from God. Giving directions is their way of doing what all women want to do when they get married – change their man until the women feel comfortable with their creation. Change, by the way is the last thing men want.

So, there needs to be balance.  Sigh….

Don’t know about you and your loved one, but many of our arguments happen in the car. One time I tersely interjected into the…um, discussion… “Because I am driving and you are not!” That stopped the….um, discussion…plus all subsequent civil conversation as well. Well, I guess it’s time to turn on the radio….

For your information ladies, most men never consider themselves lost.  At best we are just exploring, or at least just “temporarily disoriented” (a phrase coined by my Father). Daniel Boone, when asked if he ever got lost, thought for a moment and then replied, “No, I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.” I guess Mrs. Boone wasn’t there to give directions.

Want to know why men can never find anything in the refrigerator or in our wives purses? It’s not an innate fear to bend over or actually move the mayonnaise.  No, God genetically disposed us to be totally helpless in these realms. It’s not our fault, that’s how God created us! And women, it’s not like your purses are very organized anyway, containing everything from loose change (always in the bottom) to trash (always on top). To men, purses are the great Abyss. We may never return if we venture into that black hole. Safety demands we demurely hand over the purse to the female expert while patiently enduring her looks of bewilderment as she is astounded at our supposed incompetence. It’s not incompetence ladies; a man just has to know his limitations.

I even know of a man who got into trouble because he did exactly as his wife asked him! Not feeling well, she asked for his assistance. Would he take the laundry out of the dryer and put the clothes from the washer in the dryer? With much satisfaction of a job well done, he went back to watching T.V. Boy did he get into trouble! He didn’t get into trouble for what he did. He got into trouble for what he didn’t do. He didn’t put more clothes in the washer. He didn’t fold the dry clothes. He didn’t even turn on the dryer. He did exactly as his wife asked him – and no more. They never could agree who was wrong! (Shhh, I was right!) Men and women are different. And that difference is often made more clear by how less clear we communicate.

These differences can be exciting.  Cling to the old French adage, viva la difference! They can also bring out other emotions, not all positive. Because of these multitudes of differences and because of our marital roles, God’s Holy Spirit, through Peter, commands husbands, to live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman (1 Pet.3:7) How serious does our Creator consider this? If we men do not heed this advice, our prayers will be hindered (1 Pet.3:7).

Men and women are different. It’s easy to get aggravated or even resent these differences unless we focus on the bigger picture – this is how God made us.

Sometimes there are words that are misunderstood. For example, no matter how you use it, misunderstood is always misunderstood…think about it. Words change; different audiences understand the same word in different ways. There was a time when a beautiful woman was called fair or handsome. Don’t try that today. And if you are going to take “dinner” over someone’s home, you better make sure you know what they mean by dinner – afternoon or supper. When I moved to Caneyville, Kentucky, I learned that when they said “I could care less” they meant what I meant when I said “I couldn’t care less.” When my daughters were in High School, “going out” with someone did not mean you actually ever “went out.”

And, this is very important in speaking to our spouses and children. We need to program our communication to our family. If a husband wants to communicate successfully with his wife, he cannot talk to her like he would “one of the guys.”  I’ll give you a simple example, and I do not mean for this to be insulting…now that I have said that…I know I am in trouble.  If a guy has bad breath, how does another guy tell him he has bad breath?  I’ll give you a couple of examples:

• You’ve got bad breath.
• Whoa!  What did you eat? A sardine sandwich with extra garlic?
• Your breath is so bad, the skunks are complaining.

Can you say any of those things to a woman? How do you tell a woman she has bad breath? You can’t, I’m sorry, there is no safe way. The safest way can even get you into trouble, and that is by asking, “Would you care for some gum?” Trust me, I know. My wife got upset when I told her she had bad breath. She said, “Can’t you say something like, ‘Would you like a piece of gum?’” OK, so the next time she had bad breath, I said, “Would you like a piece of gum?” She tersely asked, “Are you saying I have bad breath?” I told her, “I can’t win.” She responded, “I’ve glad you finally figured that out.”

For example, when President Bush began his rousing rhetoric concerning the War on Terror, he mistakenly used the word “crusade.” Later speech writers had to excise that word from their vocabulary. Why? Because of the implications associated with the historical Crusades. Historically, the Crusades were a “war” against the Muslims. President Bush did not want to convey that the “War on Terror” was against Muslims in general. Oops! His audience was not just 21st century American who had forgotten history. His worldwide audience included people who lived with the memory of the Crusades.

When Ezra and his compatriots taught the Law of God to the formerly exiled Jews, they understood that they needed to communicate by explaining their meaning: “They read from the book, from the law of God, translating to give the sense so that they understood the reading” (Nehemiah 8:8).

Conversely, when God wanted communication to be impossible between people, what did He do in Genesis 11? He confused their language. The opposite principle is also true – common words and common definitions lead to common understanding.  Know your family.

Admittedly, sometimes a speaker will purposely choose to use words that are ambivalent or striking as a tool, possibly to teach a lesson beyond the obvious.  Jesus did this in John 2:19-22. Be judicious. Remember, hammers are great for hammering, but they make terrible paint brushes. If we choose to use words differently than what will be immediately understood, the benefit is that we might broaden their minds. The downside is that we might never get past their misunderstanding.

So good communication means we think about how others might define the words we are using. And then we think of the consequences, our goals, and whether the means suit the ends. Ask yourself, “What is it that I am trying to communicate?”

Colossians 4:6 NASB  Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.

Now this might not only require knowing your audience’s intellectual awareness, but also their emotional – Proverbs 25:11 HCSB  A word spoken at the right time is like golden apples on a silver tray. It is not just the words we use, but when we use the words we use. This is especially true in families.

Rule #7 –Communication Requires Understanding Your Family (The Speakers)

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Understanding is a two-way street.” Communication is a two way street. Which if you think about it, is an odd way to describe what is intended since on a two way street people are going in different directions and never meet – unless it is in a crash! The communicator is not the only involved in communicating. Yes, the communicator needs to understand how people will understand the words that he uses, and the person receiving the communication needs to understand how the communicator is using words. Both are difficult tasks because our brains are not naturally geared towards thinking how others think, but rather how we think.

Fisher and Ury said in describing successful communication, “The first is active listening. The goal of active listening, they say, is to understand your opponent (and that word unfortunately describes some families) as well as you understand yourself. Pay close attention to what the other side is saying. Ask the opponent to clarify or repeat anything that is unclear or seems unreasonable (maybe it isn’t, but you are interpreting it wrong). Attempt to repeat their case, as they have presented it, back to them. This shows that you are listening (which suggests that you care what they have to say) and that you understand what they have said. It does not indicate that you agree with what they said, nor do you have to. You just need to indicate that you do understand them.

Tack Chumbley commenting on a book entitled, “The Professor and the Madman,” said,

It recounts what is easily one of the most amazing stories in the history of the English language.

Among the many interesting things revealed about the making of the OED is one that I thought worth passing along. Entries in the OED came largely from volunteer readers who read books, and made a list of the words in the book, for which they recorded the title of the book, the name of the author, the date of publication, the page number, “and finally, the full text of the sentence being quoted.”

This last requirement (copying “the full text of the sentence being quoted”) was easily the most important thing required of the volunteer readers, for the use of a word in its context–not etymology, arbitrariness, cognates, tradition, etc.–determines the meaning of a word, whether in English, Greek, or Cherokee. This inflexible hermeneutical rule is sometimes forgotten. Reading “The Professor and the Madman” reminded me that the definitions in the book considered the last word on the English language, the Oxford English Dictionary, were determined based upon how an author used a particular word in a given context. Consequently, I need to be more familiar with the context in which Bible words are used than with the root meanings of the words in my Strong’s Concordance.

If a person uses a word that I would not use, then I, as the receiver of information, must do certain things:

• Ascertain whether or not their use of the word is proper although different than how I would use it.  An example of this is “accommodative language.”
• Ascertain what the implied meaning of the word is, even if it is used improperly.  This way we can understand the point being made by the communicator, therefore understanding whether it is valid or not, without becoming distracted by the wrong use of a word.

As an application, let us all ask these three questions:

• As we use words, are we thinking how we will be understood or misunderstood?
• As we read/hear, are we thinking how the other is using the words, not how I would use them?
• Do we want to be understood and to understand?

One of the simplest ways to do this is to ask questions. Sometimes we need to rephrase what the speaker says and ask, “Is that what you meant?” Peter asked Jesus, “Explain the parable to us” (Matthew 15:15 NASB).

If we walk away not understanding the speaker, it is not only his fault, but ours too. A classic quote showing misunderstanding is,

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. (Robert McCloskey)

Sometimes is the fault of both the speaker and the hearer. Family members need to work harder in understanding each other totally, so we can understand each other better verbally.

Rule #8—Forget Who The Speaker Is

“People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first” (David H. Comins). That quote dramatically shows that often, too often, what is more important is not what is said, but who said it. As parents we know that our children will often listen to another adult more readily than us. One of my daughters looks really good dressed in red. I complimented her and told her that was her color. Did she believe me? No. Then all of a sudden I noticed she was wearing red more often. It was because a lady a church told her she looked in red. Sigh….

The messenger is deemed more important than the message itself.  The messenger is the truth, instead of the message being the truth. Children need to listen to parents, and parents need to listen to children.

Separate the message from the messenger.  Hear the words, without hearing the speaker; read the words, without thinking of the writer.  Bias, either towards or against, can actually taint interpretation, whether good or bad.  Are there people that we are suspicious of?  Can that view color how we “hear” them?  Are there people that we are supportive of?  Can that view likewise affect our listening?

For example, have you ever noticed that you can predict the view of politicians?  Unfortunately, their predictability is not mainly derived from their consistently applying their political principles and philosophies (although there are exceptions).  No, too often it is simply the opposite of what the other party spouted.

Many years ago, there was a religious magazine where all the articles were anonymous – only pen names were used.  The purpose was to separate the message from the messenger.  Regardless of whether we think such a practice is beneficial or not, the fact that it existed shows the difficulty of separating the idea from the ideologist.

1 Timothy 4:12 NASB  Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.

That verse teaches us that age does not determine truth. As I said earlier, parents need to listen to their children, and children need to listen to their parents.

Rule #9—Remember Who the Speaker Is

Do not separate the message from the messenger. Yes, you read that correctly.  Yes, that is exactly the opposite of what I just said. No, it is not a contradiction.  Yes, it is a paradox. Sometimes a misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and other results of bad communication can be reduced or eliminated by remembering who said it.  People misspeak—we know what they mean. People mishear—we know what we should have heard.

Matthew 7:12 NASB “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Rule #10 –Not All Communication Is With Words

When I perform a wedding ceremony, I usually ask the bride and groom to make seven pledges. One is the pledge of communication. Without communication, problems will arise, stay and grow. There are three types of communica­tion.

“Silent Communica­tion” is sometimes subtle, but not always so.  This can be a constructive beginning step.  But be careful that purposeful silence does not turn into bitter sulking.

The second type is “Body Communication.”  When she stops holding your hand; he stops kissing you good-bye; there is something wrong (as an aside, a study was done which shows that husbands that kiss their wives good-bye live longer – we can only guess as to the reason why).

The third type is “Verbal Communication.”  This is the only type that solves problems.  There are three phrases that, if you never forget to say them regularly, will help you keep a healthy relation­ship:

• “I love you” (deepest sense of both humanity and divinity);
• “I need you” (Dependence and vulnerability) (Gen.2; Eph.5)
• “I am sorry” (no superiori­ty). (1 Cor.11:11-12).

We could add that even verbal communication includes tone of voice. Remember earlier I talked about how men and women are different. Here’s another example. When having a “discussion” with my wife, sometimes she will say, “Stop yelling.” I defend myself and say, “I am not yelling.” She retorts, “You are yelling with your tone of voice.” To every woman here, that makes sense. To every man, they are totally confused. This is when you just have to accept even when you do not understand.

I hope this study was simple but helpful. The purpose of communication is to transfer thought from one mind to another. Implied through out all these points is the desire to communicate. We have to want to be understood and to understand. That takes work…it is easy to misunderstand and to be misunderstood.  Anyone can do that! That’s why there are so many unhappy families.

Tags: Marriage, Parenting, Sermon

This entry was posted by PHall on Wednesday, November 10th, 2010 at 12:32 pm and is filed under Bible. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.